If you read this and you remember all of this as well, this is to you...
Think back, way back, to a simpler time and place. Where the biggest event on your daily agenda was recess and the best part was whatever adventure you were going to go on that day. The earliest was second grade (possibly first) when you had a best friend. You and him would swing on the swings and would pretend to be Luke and Leah Skywalker, running around fighting Darth Vader and other villains. You two were inseparable, always doing everything together. In third grade you taught him how to ice skate. Although you were much better than him, you held his hand the whole way, never letting him fall. You never let him down. Even on the playground when all the other kids were picking on you guys, you always had his back. You were one of the few who took the time to get to know him and really be friends. Your dad would come to school just to make you sit with the girls because he wanted you to not be such a tomboy, but how could anyone keep you two apart?
Remember when you wanted to show off and you two arm wrestled? You would beat him every time. You were so strong, probably because you had to be for ice skating. Then there was the time you wanted to show off your skills on the balance beam in the sand. You told your best friend to step back because you were going to kick him but he said no, he was far enough back. You insisted and he still said no. So you went ahead and did a cartwheel on the beam and kicked him right in the face. You felt so bad about it. His nose was bleeding and he was crying but you warned him. No matter what you could have done you couldn't have helped and I'm sure that hurt you a lot.
Now remember the time in third grade when the teacher showed you how to make Japanese paper houses? You paired up with your best friend again and you had Popsicle sticks and colored paper with glue to hold it all together. You made the house and he made the roof. He wanted to make the best roof possible. One that wasn't going to break or tear or fade offer time so he lined up a bunch of those sticks and made it sturdy. That wasn't the assignment tho and he realized he had done it wrong. You had made a perfect square house. You had colored it beautifully and it was exactly how the teacher had asked for it. After the class was done, you had a sweet idea. Since you had made the house and he had made the roof, you wanted to give him a part of you and keep a part of him for yourself. He got mad and was hell bent on keeping his mistake to himself. That hurt you because you cared about him and you wanted something to remember him by. What he didn't tell you was that he was embarrassed and wanted to throw his work away because he was ashamed of it. He didn't want you to remember him as a failure and someone who was dumb and couldn't understand basic directions.
You may remember the last time you saw each other. It was the Harkins on Bell rd. the summer shortly after third grade. You were leaving and he was coming. You guys greeted each other but even though he wanted to so badly, there wasn't enough time to stay and chat. Such a fleeting moment in history but it haunted his memory for years. You may or may not remember all of that but there is another part to this story that you don't know.....
What you don't know is that after you left that small private school, his world fell apart after you. With his third grade knowledge, he promised himself he'd find you. He spent the next 10 years searching for you. The methods evolved from your name in a Google search to Googling public record sites hoping to find some glimmer of hope. Facebook, Myspace, and even some off-brand social networks that were the equivalent of the internet's ghetto showed nothing. The only thing he ever found was the results to an ice skating competition at a local ice rink where you place 2nd place a few years after you had left school. He was happy for you and he missed you dearly.
5 years later, when a public records website only reviled two people by your first and last name (one in her 40s and one too young to be you), he stopped actively looking. Why wasn't there an up to date record of you in Arizona? Did you move states? If so, where to? How was he going to find you then. Your name is apparently more popular than he thought. He prayed that you had moved, or changed names, or went into witness protection, or anything other than the alternative. He stopped in order to save himself from what he might find.
I may have stopped looking but I never gave up faith that we would see each other again. I remember you face, voice, and smile like it was yesterday. Your the girl I can NEVER forget because you meant the world to me. You were my life, my sanity, and the one good thing that ever happened during those years. You were my friend, my family, and even today I miss you. I've come a long way from that insecure little boy who thought he was going to be with you forever. I write this in third person because I'm not him anymore. I'm not desperate for a friend or someone to love me. I have those things. I've learned who I am and I know you were in my life to help me through those years. Although I've come to the place in my life where I don't think I'll probably see you or recognize you again, I still miss you, and I still love you. My dear friend, my esteemed acquaintance, my most cherished companion. I hope you see this And I hope you find me. God knows what I would give to spend time with you again.
My best wishes to you and my most meaningful prayers for you,
Your best friend.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My Life's Prayer...
A prayer that engulfs me:
Father, I thank You for giving me strength to love even when my emotions are rattled. I thank You for giving me the ability to control myself under stress and not let the storms of this world throw me about. I pray for the wisdom to be the teacher You are molding me into and I pray I do not drive people away from You while trying to instruct. You have brought me through hell and back. I've stared into the abyss and You've pulled me back from the ledge. I have learned from my mistakes and have been taught many lessons. The greatest of which is Love. The love You have for me, the love You've given to me for others, and the power of Your love, most of all. I pray that everyone who reads about me and those who remember me when I'm gone all say one thing, that I loved people and there was no doubt in their minds that You were with me. I want You to be the focus of my life and for You to be obvious to others through me. Thank You for Your love. Thank You for Your patients with me though the years. Thank You for developing me into the Godly and Righteous man You made me at my rebirth. I give to You my mind to mold and my body to work through, for it isn't I who lives but You through me. I love You, Father, and I can't wait to see what You're going to do next.
Amen.
Father, I thank You for giving me strength to love even when my emotions are rattled. I thank You for giving me the ability to control myself under stress and not let the storms of this world throw me about. I pray for the wisdom to be the teacher You are molding me into and I pray I do not drive people away from You while trying to instruct. You have brought me through hell and back. I've stared into the abyss and You've pulled me back from the ledge. I have learned from my mistakes and have been taught many lessons. The greatest of which is Love. The love You have for me, the love You've given to me for others, and the power of Your love, most of all. I pray that everyone who reads about me and those who remember me when I'm gone all say one thing, that I loved people and there was no doubt in their minds that You were with me. I want You to be the focus of my life and for You to be obvious to others through me. Thank You for Your love. Thank You for Your patients with me though the years. Thank You for developing me into the Godly and Righteous man You made me at my rebirth. I give to You my mind to mold and my body to work through, for it isn't I who lives but You through me. I love You, Father, and I can't wait to see what You're going to do next.
Amen.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A Step Forward
Tonight was a step forward for me in my walk with God. I have won this battle with fear for the first time and I have to tell people. I'm so excited!
For the last week, one of my friends has been dealing with family issues. More specifically, his mom had gone to the hospital to get a major tumor removed from her chest cavity. He had been handling the situation well for the most part and has needed time with friends.
Tonight, we hung out with another mutual friend who drove us around. We went and got dinner at Five Guys and went to a park to light off my last firework from New Years. The plan was to go back to my friends house while our mutual friend went to go pick up his dad from work. When we arrived, his mom had to go somewhere and we couldn't hang out there. So he said he would have to come back to my house, drop me off, and pick up his stuff. He helped his mom to the car (it was obvious that she was in extreme pain) and we hopped in and left. I couldn't just sit there and watch. It's not in my nature. On the other hand, time and time again, fear had its hooks in me, keeping me from ever stepping out and actually praying for anyone. The usual thoughts flowed through my mind. "What if I say they're going to be healed and nothing happens?" "What if they laugh at me and say no?" "What if I say they'll be heeled, nothing happens, and it causes them to run from God instead of causing them t run to Him?" All these things were flowing through my head but I caught my thoughts and said, "No. After EVERYTHING I've learned this last year, I know better than that." (see 2011 in a Nutshell) I resolved in myself I was NOT going to chicken out this time. His mom liked me and all the rest was nullified by the fact that I'm not the one working here, Holy Spirit is. Paul said, "It's not I who lives, but Christ in me." (Galatians 2:20)If everyone realized this, a majority of the worlds problems would be solved instantly.
Anyways! The whole way home I was praying in tongues, trying to keep my thoughts away from doubt. When fear didn't work, the enemy decided to try and get me prepared. The thought of, "Well, what are you gonna say? What if you miss a detail and it screws it all up?" (One thing I've learned over the years is all the "What if's" in life, come from the enemy. Satan's minions love to try and get you to second guess yourself) I once again found my thoughts trying to think of all these phrases I've heard prayed over people in my life and I had to catch my self again. "NO! I am not going to do this out of my own head! I reuse to go off my own understanding! (Proverbs 3:4-6)" So I prayed in tongues more and felt the fear reside.
The time came when we pulled into my driveway and it was now or never. I started by saying, "I know you guys don't go to church but do you mind if I pray for you?" In my surprise, his mom replied, "Yes, please do." I was relieved when I heard this and it gave me a new found sense of confidence that this is why I came to his house. I layed my hands on her and just prayed what came to mind. I thanked God that he loved her more than anything and that Jesus died so that she didn't have to deal with this infirmity. I called health and life to her body and told it to close up and become whole. I thanked God for his healing power and thanked him for healing her. After I was done I didn't notice anything right away. She didn't say anything but "Thank you." So I told her "Your going to get better." and left with my friend to get his stuff. On the way in, he told me "Thank you, man, that meant a lot." I told him, "Any time." I told him on the way out to keep me posted on how his mom's doing. He said "Sure." and he left.
Although this isn't a grand Faith-filled story of some miraculous event, the fact that I didn't chicken out and actually walked in faith to pray for someone I didn't really know is a victory in its self. I thank God for teaching me all that He did last year so that He could use me in a time like this. A year ago if you asked me to pray for someone, I'd be sacred out of my mind, but tonight I'm pumped! I can't wait for the next challenge to come my way.
"God I thank You for living and working through me to reach people around me. I thank You for Your loving power that you have granted to us and the authority to use it. You are amazing, God, and I want to always be Yours to use. Amen."
For the last week, one of my friends has been dealing with family issues. More specifically, his mom had gone to the hospital to get a major tumor removed from her chest cavity. He had been handling the situation well for the most part and has needed time with friends.
Tonight, we hung out with another mutual friend who drove us around. We went and got dinner at Five Guys and went to a park to light off my last firework from New Years. The plan was to go back to my friends house while our mutual friend went to go pick up his dad from work. When we arrived, his mom had to go somewhere and we couldn't hang out there. So he said he would have to come back to my house, drop me off, and pick up his stuff. He helped his mom to the car (it was obvious that she was in extreme pain) and we hopped in and left. I couldn't just sit there and watch. It's not in my nature. On the other hand, time and time again, fear had its hooks in me, keeping me from ever stepping out and actually praying for anyone. The usual thoughts flowed through my mind. "What if I say they're going to be healed and nothing happens?" "What if they laugh at me and say no?" "What if I say they'll be heeled, nothing happens, and it causes them to run from God instead of causing them t run to Him?" All these things were flowing through my head but I caught my thoughts and said, "No. After EVERYTHING I've learned this last year, I know better than that." (see 2011 in a Nutshell) I resolved in myself I was NOT going to chicken out this time. His mom liked me and all the rest was nullified by the fact that I'm not the one working here, Holy Spirit is. Paul said, "It's not I who lives, but Christ in me." (Galatians 2:20)If everyone realized this, a majority of the worlds problems would be solved instantly.
Anyways! The whole way home I was praying in tongues, trying to keep my thoughts away from doubt. When fear didn't work, the enemy decided to try and get me prepared. The thought of, "Well, what are you gonna say? What if you miss a detail and it screws it all up?" (One thing I've learned over the years is all the "What if's" in life, come from the enemy. Satan's minions love to try and get you to second guess yourself) I once again found my thoughts trying to think of all these phrases I've heard prayed over people in my life and I had to catch my self again. "NO! I am not going to do this out of my own head! I reuse to go off my own understanding! (Proverbs 3:4-6)" So I prayed in tongues more and felt the fear reside.
The time came when we pulled into my driveway and it was now or never. I started by saying, "I know you guys don't go to church but do you mind if I pray for you?" In my surprise, his mom replied, "Yes, please do." I was relieved when I heard this and it gave me a new found sense of confidence that this is why I came to his house. I layed my hands on her and just prayed what came to mind. I thanked God that he loved her more than anything and that Jesus died so that she didn't have to deal with this infirmity. I called health and life to her body and told it to close up and become whole. I thanked God for his healing power and thanked him for healing her. After I was done I didn't notice anything right away. She didn't say anything but "Thank you." So I told her "Your going to get better." and left with my friend to get his stuff. On the way in, he told me "Thank you, man, that meant a lot." I told him, "Any time." I told him on the way out to keep me posted on how his mom's doing. He said "Sure." and he left.
Although this isn't a grand Faith-filled story of some miraculous event, the fact that I didn't chicken out and actually walked in faith to pray for someone I didn't really know is a victory in its self. I thank God for teaching me all that He did last year so that He could use me in a time like this. A year ago if you asked me to pray for someone, I'd be sacred out of my mind, but tonight I'm pumped! I can't wait for the next challenge to come my way.
"God I thank You for living and working through me to reach people around me. I thank You for Your loving power that you have granted to us and the authority to use it. You are amazing, God, and I want to always be Yours to use. Amen."
2011 in a Nutshell
Much has changed since I posted last. As I sit here looking out the windows of this unfrequented frozen yogurt shop I now call a job, I feel compelled to write, since I haven't done so since school work picked up towards the end of the semester. God's blessings have come and so has life's trials, but I'm still here, not so much 'weathering the storm' as some would say, but rather flying above it. There is much chaos ahead of me but I am not directly influenced by it.
Where to begin? Well, as a wise man once said, "There is only one place to start. The beginning." My life, has been layed out to you, the reader, so that you may learn what I have learned and not make the same mistakes I have. A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from others mistakes. The last couple of months have been a lesson played out in front of me. All last year, I learned how to listen and trust God for what he had already promised me.
Matthew 6:33 New American Standard Bible (NASB) "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
That was my biggest lesson I had to learn. No one could do it for me. I couldn't live off my parent's blessing anymore. It was time for me to learn how to walk in God's blessing he had been saving for me and start his plan for my life. We started a young adults bible study at my house with a few of my friends. My dad, being the pastor, was the leader of the group. We came up with questions, topics, and things that were bugging us throughout our lives. We had a well rounded group, too. We had someone for every type of christian out there. There was the Debater (a baptist theologian, in his own right, grounded heavily in logic), the Seeker (raised in a traditionally conservative baptist-like church who longed for more), the Charismatic (his beliefs were grounded in emotion and only knew what others had told him), the Blissful (didn't know a lot but was comfortable in what she had been taught so far), and then me, the Desperate. After losing my girlfriend, car, and job within a month's time-span, and baring the weight of the court bill for my accident, and possibly an extra $1,500 for the other guy's car (of which my insurance didn't cover), with NO income, I was fighting depression and self hate. Not to mention that if I had let everything get to me, I would have suffered a nervous breakdown. We all had one thing in common, we all wanted to learn. I personally needed to. We met every Thursday at 6:30, ate pizza, and had our Q&A session. I had grown up in church, with my dad as a pastor and all, but I learned more about what it meant to listen to Holy Spirit in those few months than I had my whole life, so far.
During those summer months, not only did I get a grant to go to school but I also got hired at a local frozen yogurt shop that had been opened by friends of the family. I knew the manager so getting the job was easy. I was hired as an assistant manager to a location that hadn't opened yet and I was content to wait. School started and I was loving it. Didn't have a car yet but I was thankful for my parents and my sister for their time driving me places. August came and the store didn't open on time. September came and went and still nothing. End of October was coming up. My birthday came and went, as had those days prior, and I called my manager. I told him I needed to know what date we were looking at opening because if it wasn't any time soon I was going to need to look for something else. I prayed about keeping what I had gotten but with 2 months past the opening date, I was getting desperate. What good is having a job when your not getting paid anything for it? Finally November came, and in the first week, they received the yogurt machines and we were ready to set up. Everyone who had been hired thus far came in and worked a 10 hour day the first 2 days before we opened just to get everything set up and ready to go. Opening day I worked another 10-12 hours. At $8.50/hr my first paycheck (which covered 3 weeks of pay due to the fact that we opened half way through a pay period) was HUGE!!! Almost, if not more than, $700! I was excited about what my next paycheck was going to be. Then I found out that they had closed the first location and they were letting my manager go. Was I to be promoted after a month of service? What was going to happen to everyone from the other store? I soon found out that the manager and assistant manager from the old shop was coming to fill in the gap, but that meant I was getting demoted and I was getting knocked down to $7.50/hr. Ok, not so bad. That's what I was making at Fry's. I prayed bout staying or looking for a new job because given my predicament with the bank and credit card, as well, I needed more than "just enough".
Drama ensued in the month following. The new managers were cutting everyone's hours except their own, and were stealing overtime pay from the company. I had told them I couldn't work Sundays and they scheduled me for them anyways. My best friends girlfriend ("the blissful" from before) was hired and we started working quite a bit together because we had the most open schedules out of everyone. This caused my best friend to feel left out. Not jealous, because even he knew I wasn't going to try anything, but when your girlfriend spends more time with your best friend than you, you start to get depressed about it. (didn't help that anytime we hung out we always asked him if he wanted to and 9 times out of 10 he'd say no.) So that caused tention in their relationship. Then the managers got fired and She and I were promoted back to assistant manager. The owner's wife, who had been greatly involved in the company for some time now, came in as head manager (which threw all of us off guard considering the old managers had said they were handed over the company because the owners didn't want to be so involved anymore)... (liars). So chaos ensued as lies, rumors and the truth were thrown into a blender and served to us pieces at a time. I almost decided to jump ship, but something inside said, "stay". So here I am.
God has brought me through loss, depression, chaos, and lack this last year, not once letting me go to be swept away in the storm and He brought me out on top. The true test of how fixed I have become from being such a broken man last year showed itself yesterday.
I had been clearing out my old Dell laptop and I decided I was going to clear out my pictures. In the "Me Pics" folder, I found another folder labeled "Pics of *Ex's name* and *baby's name*". I was taken back. I thought I had deleted all of them months ago. She had asked for some pics of her daughter that I had taken right after that but I had told her I didn't have them anymore. So I messaged a mutual friend of ours on facebook and asked her if she would take the pics of the baby and give them to my ex. As I looked through them, I just smiled. I wasn't heart broken, or sick to my stomach by seeing her again. Actually, I was thankful for the time we had together. The pictures of our day at the zoo brought back wonderful memories. I loved that day, and that joy, in some measure, found it's way back to me. I still have those pictures, i don't know what I'm going to do with them but for now, their a reminder of a beautiful thing.
God is amazing and He will always lead you to the top of any situation you find yourself in. It is true, if you make God your TOP priority and learn what you can when you can full heartedly, He will show you amazing things and will NEVER let you down. Matthew 6:33
Where to begin? Well, as a wise man once said, "There is only one place to start. The beginning." My life, has been layed out to you, the reader, so that you may learn what I have learned and not make the same mistakes I have. A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from others mistakes. The last couple of months have been a lesson played out in front of me. All last year, I learned how to listen and trust God for what he had already promised me.
Matthew 6:33 New American Standard Bible (NASB) "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
That was my biggest lesson I had to learn. No one could do it for me. I couldn't live off my parent's blessing anymore. It was time for me to learn how to walk in God's blessing he had been saving for me and start his plan for my life. We started a young adults bible study at my house with a few of my friends. My dad, being the pastor, was the leader of the group. We came up with questions, topics, and things that were bugging us throughout our lives. We had a well rounded group, too. We had someone for every type of christian out there. There was the Debater (a baptist theologian, in his own right, grounded heavily in logic), the Seeker (raised in a traditionally conservative baptist-like church who longed for more), the Charismatic (his beliefs were grounded in emotion and only knew what others had told him), the Blissful (didn't know a lot but was comfortable in what she had been taught so far), and then me, the Desperate. After losing my girlfriend, car, and job within a month's time-span, and baring the weight of the court bill for my accident, and possibly an extra $1,500 for the other guy's car (of which my insurance didn't cover), with NO income, I was fighting depression and self hate. Not to mention that if I had let everything get to me, I would have suffered a nervous breakdown. We all had one thing in common, we all wanted to learn. I personally needed to. We met every Thursday at 6:30, ate pizza, and had our Q&A session. I had grown up in church, with my dad as a pastor and all, but I learned more about what it meant to listen to Holy Spirit in those few months than I had my whole life, so far.
During those summer months, not only did I get a grant to go to school but I also got hired at a local frozen yogurt shop that had been opened by friends of the family. I knew the manager so getting the job was easy. I was hired as an assistant manager to a location that hadn't opened yet and I was content to wait. School started and I was loving it. Didn't have a car yet but I was thankful for my parents and my sister for their time driving me places. August came and the store didn't open on time. September came and went and still nothing. End of October was coming up. My birthday came and went, as had those days prior, and I called my manager. I told him I needed to know what date we were looking at opening because if it wasn't any time soon I was going to need to look for something else. I prayed about keeping what I had gotten but with 2 months past the opening date, I was getting desperate. What good is having a job when your not getting paid anything for it? Finally November came, and in the first week, they received the yogurt machines and we were ready to set up. Everyone who had been hired thus far came in and worked a 10 hour day the first 2 days before we opened just to get everything set up and ready to go. Opening day I worked another 10-12 hours. At $8.50/hr my first paycheck (which covered 3 weeks of pay due to the fact that we opened half way through a pay period) was HUGE!!! Almost, if not more than, $700! I was excited about what my next paycheck was going to be. Then I found out that they had closed the first location and they were letting my manager go. Was I to be promoted after a month of service? What was going to happen to everyone from the other store? I soon found out that the manager and assistant manager from the old shop was coming to fill in the gap, but that meant I was getting demoted and I was getting knocked down to $7.50/hr. Ok, not so bad. That's what I was making at Fry's. I prayed bout staying or looking for a new job because given my predicament with the bank and credit card, as well, I needed more than "just enough".
Drama ensued in the month following. The new managers were cutting everyone's hours except their own, and were stealing overtime pay from the company. I had told them I couldn't work Sundays and they scheduled me for them anyways. My best friends girlfriend ("the blissful" from before) was hired and we started working quite a bit together because we had the most open schedules out of everyone. This caused my best friend to feel left out. Not jealous, because even he knew I wasn't going to try anything, but when your girlfriend spends more time with your best friend than you, you start to get depressed about it. (didn't help that anytime we hung out we always asked him if he wanted to and 9 times out of 10 he'd say no.) So that caused tention in their relationship. Then the managers got fired and She and I were promoted back to assistant manager. The owner's wife, who had been greatly involved in the company for some time now, came in as head manager (which threw all of us off guard considering the old managers had said they were handed over the company because the owners didn't want to be so involved anymore)... (liars). So chaos ensued as lies, rumors and the truth were thrown into a blender and served to us pieces at a time. I almost decided to jump ship, but something inside said, "stay". So here I am.
God has brought me through loss, depression, chaos, and lack this last year, not once letting me go to be swept away in the storm and He brought me out on top. The true test of how fixed I have become from being such a broken man last year showed itself yesterday.
I had been clearing out my old Dell laptop and I decided I was going to clear out my pictures. In the "Me Pics" folder, I found another folder labeled "Pics of *Ex's name* and *baby's name*". I was taken back. I thought I had deleted all of them months ago. She had asked for some pics of her daughter that I had taken right after that but I had told her I didn't have them anymore. So I messaged a mutual friend of ours on facebook and asked her if she would take the pics of the baby and give them to my ex. As I looked through them, I just smiled. I wasn't heart broken, or sick to my stomach by seeing her again. Actually, I was thankful for the time we had together. The pictures of our day at the zoo brought back wonderful memories. I loved that day, and that joy, in some measure, found it's way back to me. I still have those pictures, i don't know what I'm going to do with them but for now, their a reminder of a beautiful thing.
God is amazing and He will always lead you to the top of any situation you find yourself in. It is true, if you make God your TOP priority and learn what you can when you can full heartedly, He will show you amazing things and will NEVER let you down. Matthew 6:33
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